I am well-protected while I work. Graham has made sure of that. From where I sit, I can see a Star Wars light saber. I also have a Marvel Heroes coaster for my coffee cup. And let’s be honest, you never know when you need Hans Solo or The Hulk to help you out.
Along with my superhero stuff, I can also spy a tiny, stuffed Winnie the Pooh. Graham keeps making sure Pooh Bear is nearby and ready if and when I need some comfort. It seems my preschooler has the best blend of qualities. He’s a hero with heart. I continue to say...the girls are going to flip out over this guy. Of course, he’ll need to get past the whining and complaining stage before that happens, and I’m okay with that taking all the time in the world.
For now, he’s sitting with his sister listening to music on her iPhone. Page is editing her short composition comparing Athens and Sparta and working on vocabulary and spelling. I’ve barricaded myself in my bedroom to write this, with both my defensive weaponry and my cute, cuddly stuffed creatures of comfort around me.
It truly is difficult to come up with a topic for this writing, at least a topic that’s fitting. It’s hard because, these past few days, I have been blown away at some startling realizations. I’ve come to know things about myself that I can’t yet write about here, because I haven’t quite processed it all.
I will say, though, that I have seen some things about myself that I do not care for. No. It’s more than that. It’s things I absolutely detest about myself. I’ve seen deep into the recesses of my mind and my heart and I’ve dug up quite a bit of dirt. I haven’t committed any crimes. I haven’t killed anyone or robbed a bank. Nothing like that. There is no number law against my offenses, unless you count Bible book and verse numbers.
I have, though, taken people for granted. I have done good things for bad reasons. I have expected recognition from people for all the great things I think I've done. I have made things unnecessarily complicated. I have listened to the wrong voices. I have exchanged the truth for lies.
I won’t nauseate you with the details. Actually, the details may bore you, but to me, the uncovered personality defects do leave me repulsed and shaken. I only share this with you because I know I am not alone. While we may have different issues, we all have something that we wish we could change about ourselves, about our lives. Something we could be free of. We all have some darkness lurking around inside of us that needs to see the light. Because exposed to light, darkness ceases to exist.
This journey to being free - from issues of work, finances, relationships - is something I can’t pretend doesn’t exist. Not anymore. Once you’ve opened the can of worms, it’s pretty tricky to lure them all back in and shut them away. I don’t want to. I say, free the creatures. And I didn’t unearth my hidden tendencies all myself. I had the assistance of those around me.
One of those precious people is my daughter. She shed some much-needed illumination on areas I didn’t know were in the dark. I guess that’s the nature of darkness. In it, you are blind to all else around you. Another person I credit with alerting me to some things I hadn’t realized is a new friend I just met. She, in the telling of her unearthing, has helped me to dig and discover some things about myself.
I’m hesitant for you to read that I don’t have it all together. Of course, that statement assumes that you thought I did. But I have told you.
Until I, until we, face the fact that we are in the dark, we never see the need for the rays of light. And we’ll never be our best for our families or our friends. We’ll never be the most productive at work or have a balanced checkbook or lose weight or get that job or fulfill that dream. I know I’m not on this train by myself. Take your ticket and climb aboard. You can sit beside me. I’d like the company.